x = God's Forgiveness. Problem 31, Solve for x.

On Wednesday, I was running on empty, and didn't have my homework done, and was very confused about where the week went. I mean, honestly, it's like I just left the classroom and went to work, fished for a day, then went back to school the next morning. So I was in the car in the parking lot working on a Physics test which was supposed to be completed and graded by class, then turned in. My Physics teacher pulls up beside us (my dad drove that day), and he sees what I'm working on. And smiles and nods at me, says hey to my dad, and goes inside. I'm making a great impression this school year, aren't I? If I hadn't been completely emotionally detached (which happens when I'm stressed or would/should be upset), I'd have been embarrassed and wanted to curl up and die. And looking back on it, yeah that would've been appropriate. Instead I just thought to myself Congratulations Elizabeth, you've just disappointed someone you respect. Again. I ended up running out of time, not finishing it, and having to tell my teacher I didn't complete it, though he saw me working on it. I apologized for not completing my homework, and he said "It's okay. Just get caught up" with another smile.

I'm honestly baffled. I don't understand... mercy, I suppose, is the word I'm looking for. I deserved to be reprimanded, at the very least. A lowered grade perhaps. And it frustrates me that I screwed up that bad, and didn't get punished in any way, shape, or form. And this is probably my biggest problem when it comes to my faith, I don't understand how someone can forgive and show mercy like that. It isn't logical or normal in this world. I've been raised with a punishment-and-reward type mindset, and most people I know operate in that manner. So when I make mistakes, I fully expect the worst. And then, I'm almost disappointed to find myself forgiven. And, without intending to, punish myself by dwelling on it.

I can't even fathom God's forgiveness, it is so completely beyond my comprehension... to send His only Son to die on the cross for ALL of our sins and screwups and murders, to pay the price for it all, so that we don't have to... that love amazes me, in so many ways for so many reasons. I'm a disappointment to myself, because I fear becoming a disappointment to others and failure in general, and it causes me to hesitate and procrastinate. I hate it, and I hate that I'm a disappointment to God. But He forgives me...I don't deserve it. I can't earn it, no matter how hard I work to make myself perfect. I can't get rid of it, no matter how bad a mistake I make and no matter how many times I mess up, He won't stop. And I'm honestly tired of punishing myself all the time with self-loathing, so I've decided to cut it out already. To stop dwelling on my lack of understanding. My human mind cannot compute God's forgiveness into an equation, it is pure and beautiful and infinite, and I need to do just one thing: accept it. It will never be balanced. The best thing I can do is to try and use the gifts God has given me, my mind and heart and potential, for His glory, to the very best of my ability. And that is exactly what I'm going to do.


P.S. I was planning on doing a post about my school day, which was actually fairly interesting. I know this kind of went off on a tangent, but it is where my heart and mind took me, and I followed, and here it ends. Thanks for reading,

--
"But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.
In your head, in your head they are fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are crying..."


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(¸.· Elizabeth *´¨)
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