We lost power around 7:20 today, and I decided to write a post on something I actually cared about while it was off. That something is a charity called To Write Love on Her Arms, a fantastic organization whose goal is suicide prevention. It means a lot to me, because I almost committed suicide in the 9th grade, and I know how hard it is to go through those feelings alone. This charity provides support for those battling depression and runs a suicide prevention phone line, and has a solid message: what makes the biggest difference is showing love. You can read more about how this organization got its name by reading the story behind its origins-you won't regret it. It is something I am passionate about, because so many do not realize how careless they are with their words, how much they can hurt someone. It seems like people, especially young people, are downright cruelly clueless-not knowing that every day they make a snide comment about some girl's weight, she's vomiting up everything she's eaten. Not knowing that jokes about that goth guy have him cutting himself daily. Not knowing that little miss perfect actually hates everything about herself, and is breaking down under the pressure to maintain an image she's been assigned. We judge each other endlessly… on what others say, on what they wear, on how they do their hair and makeup or the movies or books they like. We have labels we apply as we compartmentalize everything: slut, gossip, emo, nerd, loser, whore, prep, goth, dumb blonde, jock… and then people turn around and conform to the labels that society has assigned them, because they don't know what else to do. And then we look, and we see a label, and we stop looking before we see that the jock has a love for art and poetry, that the gossip is talking about everyone else's lives because her parents are abusive and she doesn't want to talk about her own, that the whore is just looking for love in a world that has never shown her any. That they each have lives and interests and personalities BEYOND that single word, and that they're people with depth who deserve to be treated with basic human respect. And if you believe in God, then you should know to show His love to EVERYONE, regardless of how you feel about their life choices! God loves us all, and we would just learn to love like Him, to love without prerequisites or conditions, then there would be a lot fewer people in this world who cry themselves to sleep at night, who are utterly alone and judged and hurt. I guess the point of this whole rant is, people are SO MUCH MORE than meets the eye. And when we fail to see that, and fail to care, we fail them entirely.

What I've Done These Past Couple Weeks:

• Shopped for capris and shorts (if I’m normally a four or six, but in juniors I’m a four in one brand and an 11 in another, you KNOW it’s screwed up!)


• Received word that my application was accepted by the academic society I wanted, and that I am now eligible for an interview.


• Went to my doctor because I kept blacking out and collapsing with no warning, which is scary chiz. Turns out the antibiotic I was on had a bad interaction with my antidepressant (JOY)


• Went to the GI doctor and finally got a clean bill of health-the antibiotics cured my mystery infection, so I definitely don’t have cancer or any disease. THANK YOU LORD!


• Went to the psychiatrist to talk about my antidepressant and the whole blacking out thing, which we decided to just wait out and see if it stopped. It has.


• Received a college acceptance letter


• Received a(slightly less substantial) scholarship offer from that college


• Randomly went to the zoo with my sister (we were both losing our minds and needed a day off)


• Returned half the capris I got and the swimsuit I’d picked out for various reasons involving my mom


• Made my college decision


• Accepted my top scholarship offer from the college of my choice


• Did all the laundry (including the 1 pair of shorts and 1 pair of capris I wound up keeping)


• Made a million phone calls to various people at the college of my choice


• Tried to schedule the aforementioned interview


• Tried to apply for housing


• Cleaned a lot, including the bathroom and living room and serious progress in my bedroom


• Bought some hair stuff I may or may not use for prom (which is this Saturday!)


• Skipped school and ate a big breakfast at Cracker Barrel with my mom


• Got my TB test and Hep. A shot (for the immunization forms for college)


• Went to my psychiatrist again and talked about some stuff, because things haven’t been good with my family lately and I’m just really worn out. I’m really blessed though, and will focus on that :).


• And oh yeah, did homework!

So I’ve got to figure out makeup and hair for prom tomorrow, on Friday I have to go back to the doctor to get my TB test read (and the paperwork finalized), and Saturday is my senior prom. And I’m frustrated because I’m still waiting on word from certain people at the college, and need to get my interview and housing worked out… I’ll keep trying to get a hold of the right people I guess :/. For now, though, I'm sitting outside enjoying this beautiful weather (since I last posted, we've gone through insane storms, forty degree weather, and 80 degree weather... so it's nice right this minute, but who knows what it'll be like in 5! lol). Thank you so much Max and Kenzie-Michelle for commenting on my last post, and sorry everyone for being such a bad blogger lately. I've just got to prioritize, you know? I hope to catch up with you all soon, and thanks for bearing with me during my serious case of senioritis ;). Oh, and I'll be posting some pictures soon, including some from the zoo! Talk to y'all more soon, and let me know what is up with you! I'd love to hear anything you have to say :)

Music That Moved Me + Comments + a Photo

Just a couple tracks that I needed to hear the other day, and wound up playing on the way home. Thoughtful, softer songs. I was mostly listening to Cage the Elephant, Coldplay, and Dashboard Confessional, plus random ones that I wanted to hear, BUT I'll limit myself to... 4 songs, and what they mean to me.

"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

To me, this song is about pulling through the toughest of times, and not living in the past, but looking toward a brighter future... even on a cloudy day, I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun. The video tells its own special story, and is pretty powerful. If you don't have time to watch, at least listen-it's a great song.



"Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost...

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost"

Beautiful song, and well named. To me it is about being hurt, and feeling lost, and being looked down upon by someone who doesn't understand. It isn't angry, but quietly defiant in a patient way. It explains itself better than any words I could ever string together:




"Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself"

Vindicate:
-to afford justification for; justify
-to claim for oneself or another

Vindicated. Justified. Claimed. Being flawed, but loved anyway... a beautifully confusing way to be.




"Here in this crowd I'm feeling all alone
Turn me around and point me back to home
I'm getting lost more every day
And I can't tear myself away...

Life on the moon couldn't be any stranger
Life on the moon wouldn't feel this far away
The life that I knew, it's through
And I'm gonna need you more than ever
I'm alone in this crowded room
It's like life on the moon"

A feeling I've had in the past, and my fear for the near future...



And a bonus song, for those of you who, like me, could stare out the window for days...



And if you're still reading, and looking for something else to listen to, check out my new youtube channel. Because I just got an account it is kind of empty so far, but I'm gonna work on it :). Which songs listed above did you like?

In response to your wonderful comments...

Shaynie, thank you SO MUCH for your prayers(and the hug)! Things are still crazy, but I'm trying not to lose it. And yes, it was quite a scare... I still don't know what actually IS wrong, which is frustrating, but the doctor is experimenting with prescriptions to see what helps.

Amanda, you don't like reptiles? Haha, my mom LOVES alligators... once they're made into boots and purses, that is :D. Personally, I'm a lizard lover; partly because they make such wonderful models, and partly because I have two pet leopard geckos :). And since I haven't much more time here, I'm going to comment on your posts in my post... which is weird, but whatever. LOVED Julianne Hough's and Crystal Bowersox's dresses, and actually didn't like Natasha Bedingfield's... it just seemed a bit too much, with her hair and then the contrast between the top and the bottom of the dress. I thought Jewel's was very sweet and flattering (it wasn't amazing or particularly memorable, but it seems like many women do NOT know how to dress when pregnant, and I thought this look was just perfect). I also liked Janelle Monae and Nicki Minaj (she's crazy, but it was just so HER XD Not saying anyone SHOULD wear that, but she totally pulls it off IMO). Bieber looked like he was drowning in his suit. Anddd.... Miley looked decent. I'll stop now :). I can't wait to hear what's up with you!

Max-I'm an east coast girl, but I do hope to see the west coast soon, and I'll definitely keep In & Out in mind! A HEALTHY burger sounds like guilt free paradise... sigh. I'm glad the trip went well and you're all back safe and sound! I can definitely relate when it comes to missing photo ops... it used to drive me crazy, but this post helped me to not get too frustrated. I actually did manage to get one decent snow shot this past winter... found it:

I think it turned out pretty good, but no picture I could take would have shown what the snow looked like that morning... every snowflake sparkled like glitter, and it was almost hard to look at it was so blindingly beautiful.

Anyway, for anyone who actually read this monster of a post, thank you. For reading, and commenting, and sticking with me even when I'm just not able to be here... I love you guys :). Also, thanks to Ashley and Jan (of the amazing Creative Instigation-seriously people, check it out) for following! I hope you enjoy what you find here :). Until next time,

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(¸.· Elizabeth *´¨)
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'Cause Nothing Stays the Same (Maybe It's Time to Change)-A College Visit, A Surprise, Four Books, and a Diet!

This past weekend I went to visit the Great University with my mom, and was impressed with everything I heard! The Honors College sounds amazing, and the different opportunities they provide their students are mind blowing. The faculty really does everything possible to help the students succeed, both during their time at GU and afterward in the professional world. It really seemed like somewhere I could thrive and grow and belong. I haven't officially made my college decision, but unless I get an equally amazing offer from UNC Chapel Hill or the University of South Carolina-my mind is pretty much made up. I'm finally looking forward to the future-I'm nervous, but desperately eager for time to pass by quickly. I've only got a couple more months before I graduate and who knows where I'm going immediately after that. Wherever I go, I know it will be better than here, so I'm looking forward to that day! Several changes have occurred since I last posted… my sister moved in with my brother and his wife, and I miss her terribly. We've had the option for years, but I never imagined that she would leave before I would, just because things have been harder on me. I chose to stay, and it wasn't an easy choice by any means (think: up all night crying my eyes out and dreaming of the freedom I've denied myself, and lucky to have a friend being my shoulder to cry on till four am), but I'm determined to be positive and productive during my time here (or at least try!). When my sister made the decision to move out, it really hit me hard… and I try not to put anything online when I'm really emotional. Things were intense for several days, and I stopped checking and replying to emails and reading most blog posts. I tend to disconnect when I'm really down, and I'm sorry for repeatedly dropping off the face of the blogosphere… but I think it's the best thing for me to do. I really love you guys though, so I've decided that part of my survival strategy for the next couple months will be regular posting, probably starting in February! Also since I last posted, I bought some NEW books (which I NEVER do, because I'm broke, but I was emotionally compromised and spent money all over the place). For the bibliophiles in the group, here's what I bought:

Matched, by Allie Condie

The Water Wars, by Cameron Stracher

Paranormalcy, by Kiersten White

and Stolen, by Lucy Christopher

I'm so glad I decided to treat myself :D. Hhmm… any other changes since I last posted… OH, I got my second holes pierced while at the mall. I was also taken off of the low dose antidepressant I mentioned in an earlier post-the one that made me really drowsy all the time. I'm now on something else that doesn't make me drowsy at all, and seems to make everything SHARPER and my mind more awake. It's nice not feeling like I'm going to fall asleep every thirty minutes ^_^. I've also started eating differently, increased my protein intake and reduced fats and sugars. I read an article called The Antidepressant Diet, with a list of foods that can help, and I'm giving it a shot. I'm also taking fish oils. Thanks so much Shaynie-I wouldn't have researched dietary solutions if you hadn't told me about how they worked for you! Classes were also canceled two weeks in a row due to really icy roads, but I've still got some homework to do. I've been working on picking just one song for this coming Wednesday, but it might turn out to be a playlist… I guess we'll see ;). Well, that's all for now(I kept it brief-aren't you proud of me???)! Thanks for reading, and commenting, and being there in general :). You guys rock!

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Oh, It Is Love (Holiday Update + An Acceptance Letter!)

"How was your winter break?"

"Three days were wonderful, and the rest pretty much sucked. How was your break?"

Hmmm… not sure if honesty is the most socially accepted way to answer that question, but honesty IS the best policy, so I just might go with that. You see, I was thinking the other day about school starting back, and what I'd say to those smiling faces who actually dare to try talking to the sullen mute depressing blah I've become. And in my head, that was the simplest summary of my break possible. Which caused me to seriously think about WHY that was the case. Well, how about we look at those three wonderful days?

My 18th Birthday-my family and I went to see Tron in theaters, and met Henry there :). On the way there, my dad was a total jerk and actually shocked us all into silence with his hostility. I mean, it was my 18th birthday, AND I wasn't feeling too good, and he chooses right before we get to the theater to go psycho about tickets and how I shouldn't assume that he was paying for ANYTHING and more I don't even want to think about right now. My mom sister and I were taken aback, and I wanted to beat the snot out of him, but when we were walking up to the theater and I saw Henry I felt worlds better. We all watched the movie, and afterward came home and I had a peanut butter fudge shake from Sonic while everyone else ate pizza. Then, Henry and I watched How To Train Your Dragon in the living room, and I fell asleep… I was still on pain meds and antibiotics, and had been fighting to keep my eyes open all day. It was great, though, because he was still there when I woke up, and gave me the most wonderful birthday card ever written, and was there to hold me as I fought tears of joy ^_^. So, bottom line, my birthday started really rough but wound up wonderful :).

Christmas Eve-my brother and his wife came over, and we opened up a couple gifts, and they gave us their Wii :D. We played it for most of the night, and there was a lot of laughter as my mom learned how to drive on Mariokart XD. After they left, we opened the rest of our gifts, and people liked what I gave them, and I loved my presents, and it was just a lot of fun. I loved seeing momma HAPPY… when she smiles it really does warm my heart. She doesn't smile enough… during the holiday season we call my dad the Grinch, and Christmas is always a desperate attempt to make the day great despite the familial warfare, and this year WE BEASTED. So yeah, I'm happy about it.

December 28th-Henry invited me to celebrate Christmas with his family, and they were getting together that evening. We ate, and talked, and his family is pretty amazing :). They opened gifts, and his family and his aunt actually got me presents, which I wasn't expecting at all, and about made me cry happily... Henry loved his gift(a clan crest key fob-his family is of Scottish descent), which made my lungs feel like they were going to burst I was so relieved and overjoyed!!! I thought it was cool, and was hoping he did too :D :D :D. I gave MG, his awesome sister, Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen and The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, both of which are personal favorites. She hasn't gotten to HG yet, but read Flipped and loved it! YAY! Anyway, after we opened presents us three, Henry, MG, and I, went outside and played in the snow-something I haven't done in years. The stars shone brightly, and we laughed, and pelted each other with snow, and made snow angels, and more :). It was just a magical evening ^_^.

And the rest of the days of my break? I worked some (got told to look for another job by my manager, who simply said that I wasn't 'raunchy and wild' enough to fit in with my coworkers, and just didn't belong. Not kidding. I'm okay with it though… I'll explain further if anyone cares to hear details), slept a LOT (I met with a clinical psychologist, who I didn't like that all, and he prescribed a low dose antidepressant to help me cope with my 'situational depression', which I DO like because it seems to be helping, but it made me freakishly drowsy all the time, so I'm now taking it at night), and was mostly home with my dad… and we don't get along. When the new year arrived, I was home alone with D. A little while after an awkward toast, I went to the bathroom and was fighting tears, chewing myself out for being an emotional wreck. This year will be a HUGE one for me-I'm FINALLY moving out, going to college, growing up, breaking FREE from this prison. I'm going to need my mom's support more than ever… and she, and my sister, were at work when the ball dropped. It wasn't their fault, and I'm not mad about it at all, it just felt wrong. Everything has felt wrong lately. The biggest difference between those few great days and all of the crappy ones is who I was with. On those three days, I was with people I love, and who love me. I was able to laugh, able to smile… and the rest, not so much. I'm sorry I haven't posted, or read your posts or commented. I'm just disconnected right now, emotionally detached, and haven't even been checking my email.

Anyway, on a VERY POSITIVE NOTE: I've been accepted to the Great University, and received the Presidential Scholarship-which means full tuition! It is really amazing, and I'm so fortunate… I'll be going there next weekend for a scholars' dinner and a campus tour. I can't wait! Right now that is the only college that has given me a response, but I can't imagine getting a better offer than that…. I guess I'll see ^_^. I'm also making another college visit next week, and school starts back tomorrow, so I'm going to have to snap out of this and really get myself moving. There is too much to be done for me to be a space cadet! Thankfully I know that no matter how hard it gets, I'll make it-because I'm not alone, no matter how alone I feel sometimes. I am loved, and focusing on that fact is what has allowed me to smile at all during my time in this house. Soon enough, I will be free… anyway, I'm sorry for vanishing everyone. I hope you haven't given up on me! I also hope that you had a wonderful Christmas, that you were able to spend time with loved ones, and that this coming year is better than last year was for all of you :).

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"But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.

In your head, in your head they are fighting,

With their tanks and their bombs,

And their bombs and their guns.

In your head, in your head, they are crying..."

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(¸.· Elizabeth *´¨)

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Adventures in Therapy + Cookies For You!

(If you've commented on a post, I've responded now, just so you know)

So, first off with this therapy review, let me explain WHY I was going there. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years, and am a miserable old hag ( ;) ), and can't seem to get happy. It comes from my negative living situation… which is kind of hard to explain briefly, but the bottom line is my father has hurt my mother, my siblings, and myself, and is psychologically unstable and emotionally abusive, but my parents are still married and I still live with them out of financial necessity.
I've suffered with guilt because of the sacrifices my mother has made in order to ensure I received a quality high school education and had a roof to live under. I developed self worth issues because I was always trying to earn my father's love, when no matter how hard I worked to be perfect I just couldn't be good enough for him. I have anxiety issues because of my financial situation-despite his substantial income, my father isn't paying for college, or my car insurance, or gas, and my job is minimum wage and hours vary. After this upcoming payment, I'm worried about whether or not I'll be able to cover the next one. I'm a fairly self-aware person, I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and generally what they stem from. I went into that building unsure of what to expect from whoever I was talking to, but knowing there probably wouldn’t be any 'ah-ha!' moments for me.
When I met the woman, who was very kind and I will call Dr. H, she led me to her office, and when she opened the door I was trying really hard not to crack up. There was a COUCH! I mean, yes, it makes perfect sense she would want people to be comfortable, and I should have expected it, but I still wanted to laugh and say 'so that isn't just a stereotype, huh?' :D lol.
We talked for a bit, then we agreed to have momma join me, and together momma and I told her pretty much everything. Explained how my father has always treated me, how he doesn't love his own children and SCREAMS at me like a madman about the stupidest things. About how he ran off my older brother because he felt threatened by him, and how similar my brother and I are. About how he waits on my mother hand and foot, is always bringing her food, and is obsessive over her but treats me with hatred. We talked about the way that I've always demanded perfection from myself academically, because from an early age I knew that it was my only chance for a future. And she kind of suggested that it came from my father's unpredictability-I'm not in control of my home life at all, but I keep tight control of what I can. Which led to the fact that I keep really right control of my emotions, that I don't let myself feel much anymore… and after we had talked for a very long time, and had mentioned how great my brother is, and the fact that he built his house with two extra bedrooms just so that my mother, sister, and I would be able to move in if things got really, really ugly… she strongly recommended that I move in with my brother, because I'm obviously not handling my current situation well. My mom and I have talked about it since then, and I don't think I'm moving out yet… we'll see if we can just hang on till graduation. I also may or may not have gotten a new job at a dentist's office-which would be awesome! I'll be there Monday to get my wisdom teeth out, and hope to talk to our dentist more then (before I'm all loopy, obviously ;) ). Therapy actually went really, really well. Dr. H seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being, and kind of worried, but was really helpful with making thoughts organized for me and my mom. We're in sync now, which is really important with all of the changes coming up. After the fact, I've decided it was a great thing to do, even though I did spend a lot of the time having to relive painful memories :D lol. I'd also like to thank you Laurea, Jinnyd, Lia, and Shaynie for your input on this issue-I appreciate your support more than you can know :). And now, COOKIE TIME!!!! For you, Shaynie:

And for you, Jinnyd (check the link at the bottom for the recipe, if you're not a hazard in the kitchen like me! :D):

And for all of my other wonderful followers, enjoy the classic chocolate chip:

I wrote this post the other day (so I could let it sit overnight, and then I edited out a lot of personal backstory crap that was just plain depressing... LOL, that pun really wasn't intended), and at the moment I'm freakishly HAPPY (which is AWESOME) for a variety of reasons which I'd like to share (including you guys), and I've actually been tagged several times, and I heard an AMAZING song on the radio today that I simply have to post about (not sure yet if I'll let it wait till Wednesday) so I'm going to be posting a bit more than normal over the next few days (even though I really should be on a blogging haitus-WORLD HISTORY FINAL AND TONS OF HOMEWORK!!!! AHHH!). Wow, that was a lot of parentheticals... anyway, you can expect to hear from me again soon! Thanks you guys, for everything ^_^.

Snowman cookie pic from here.
Blondie pic from here.
Chocolate chip cookie pic is NOT mine, but I'm not posting the link to the site because it had a lot of other crap on it that had nothing to do with dessert.

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(¸.· Elizabeth *´¨)
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