With a Little Help From My Friends

Hey everyone! I'm sorry for not posting in so very long… I've really been struggling with managing my life outside of my blog and simply haven't made time for it. Sleep has become my closest friend and worst enemy, as my levels of exhaustion have risen dramatically. I had blood work done over Christmas break, and it was determined that my D levels were practically non-existent, so I've been taking a supplement to help with that. Unfortunately, however, I managed to lose my pill case last week, and was a wreck as a result(found it a couple days ago though, and am on the road to recovery).

As most of you are aware, my grades last semester were pretty terrible, and I'm afraid I have bad news--so far this semester, they aren't really improving. So, school right now=stressful. Largely due to the fact that I struggle to stay awake in class and while I try to do my homework.

But, in more positive news, I managed to find a job with the help of a dear friend and am now working at my university's IT Service Desk, which I'm thoroughly enjoying (most days anyway). I did get threatened with termination because I'm always sleepy, but my boss was having a bad day, and since then my work schedule has changed so that I'm coming in a bit later one day, and traded an early morning shift on Tuesdays (when I always have a paper due) to an afternoon shift on Mondays. Work=mostly good.

As far as my personal life goes, in one regard it is complicated. One of my friends and I have been on the verge of being more for a while now, and our friendship took a more than friendly turn… per his suggestion, we're taking a break from spending so much time together/resting together until after Spring Break, at which time we'll evaluate our relationship and decide if we'd like to pursue something. Also, like the last time we spoke, I'm lucky to have the friends I do. They've all been there for me despite the fact I've been downright pathetically weak and don't really deserve any support, and that blessing has kept me sane.

Yesterday one of my friends, my first real friend here at college(and someone in whom I confide), figuratively held my hand as I called the counseling center to set up an appointment. The stress has just really gotten to me, and with my little collection of physical issues (D deficiency, hormone deficiency, depression, malrotation, etc.), the combination is overwhelming. Also, one of my instructors who is fairly aware of how I've been doing suggested that I contact the dean of students to see if they can help me out with my other courses--I slept through an exam worth 1/5 of my grade for my Mass Comm class the other day (about 5 days into going without medications), so I'm going to see if they can help with that (I think). SO, what's the point of this post anyway?

Well, it's actually me taking the opportunity to get a grasp on the issues I'm facing and lay out a battle plan. Here goes!
-School: meet with counseling center, contact dean of students in regards to MC, improve sleep schedule
-Work: take more extensive notes, talk with my mentor about FootPrints, improve sleep schedule
-Personal: try and respect his desire for a break, be patient, rejoice in my blessings, and improve sleep schedule.
-Common theme: life would be a heck of a lot better if I wasn't tired all the time!

I guess what matters at this point isn't the hole I've managed to dig myself into(dwelling on it won't make it disappear)--it's how I'm planning on getting out of it. And I AM planning on getting out of it--hopefully the steps I'm taking in seeking aid, instead of stubbornly and silently suffering like last semester, will be what I'm looking for. After all, it's pretty hard to pull yourself out when you're in over your head. Thanks for letting me vent--I hope to have something more interesting to post next time :). Miss you guys--feel free to email me whenever!

Life is Sweet!

I'm once again joining up with the Life is Sweet meme over at Shilah, a monthly post of ten things that are making your life sweet! Things definitely aren't perfect right now, but there are always things to be grateful for, and focusing on them is a great exercise for a positive mindset :)

Here they are, ten things that are sweetening up my little corner of the universe:

1. I'm in the process of scheduling an interview for the academic society I keep blathering about, and I'm nervous and psyched!


2. The other day, I over drafted on my bank account, but my mom was there for me while I bawled like a baby and helped me move some funds from a different account, and got me back in the black right before midnight (at which point I would have been hit with some serious over drafting fees). I was completely freaking, and am now going to not spend money, but I'm really fortunate that she was there for me and my accounts are in order again.


3. PROM being completely awesome! (posted on it, but it's gone for now)


4. I'm only 1 month and two weeks away from graduation!!!!


5. [Lauren] got into the great high school she wanted!!! I know, it isn't my life, but the news really brought me joy for her :D. WAY TO GO LAUREN! :D.


6. I had therapy on Wednesday, which was long overdue... she gave me some great tips about how to avoid conflicts with my mom without being a doormat, and helped me to realize that constantly supporting my mom and emotionally carrying her on my shoulders(even when I think she's wrong) is doing me more harm than good. She also helped me to feel better about college, which is great :).


7. My dad and I are getting along fairly well. Civil. Couple days ago I had to run around and get blood drawn and a CT scan, which meant hanging around the city for hours, and he was still willing to take me. Then he got me a mocha frappe, which was nice, and we hung out at a local park for two hours in between the two cups of Kool-Aid and contrast dye I had to drink. He was on his laptop, and I was reading, but we did talk all about Celebrity Apprentice and other things, and the weather was beautiful in the park, so it was kind of surreal. For a day full of doctors and pain, it was pretty great :). I love being outside :).


8. My converse (did I mention them last time?). I am just so completely in love with my shoes. They're so durable and awesome and comfortable and PERFECT. I'm so glad I decided to splurge and get them for myself!
   
   And Peanut likes them too!xD lol
   


9. My trashy rock radio station :D. Haha, they're having a 'M.I.L.F' contest: 'Mom's I'd like to ,uh, feel good about knowing' as the commercial says. ANYWAY, despite some of the crap that winds up there sometimes, that station really does the have the best music ever. I woke up this morning to I Will Not Bow (jeesh, now I'm hearing BB everywhere! :D lol), and got to hear Avenged Sevenfold and Red Hot Chili Peppers… it introduced me to Cage the Elephant, and plays some of my favorites like Flyleaf and Linkin Park. Just a solid station overall (oh, and plays a surprising amount of Christian rock-which I think is awesome of them, because they just play great music, regardless, you know? Skillet and Flyleaf and I think I heard TFK once!). AAAHHH, THEY JUST STARTED PLAYING SHAKE ME DOWN! DAS MAH JAMM!!!


10. The weather starting toward amazing-it's insanely bipolar, with storms and coldness followed by temperatures in the 80's, but I am so ready for 'real' spring it is maddening. What tastes of it I've had have been so wonderful it's cruel! I snagged a couple pictures of the first flowers I saw several weeks ago, and here they are now:

And, as you may or may not have noticed, I've decided to go ahead and put up my spring look (I meant to do it ages ago, but then the weather went wacko and I was thinking about waiting for my new signature, but I know I'll get that soon enough and really want to set it up! Click on over and tell me what you think? And if you don't like it as much as the old one, say so-I'm game for anything :). So, what's making YOUR life sweet right now? If you can't think of anything, try making a list-like I said at the top, it's a great exercise :). Well, I've gotta run-talk to you all later! :D

What I'd Do for a Cheeseburger (+ a Giveaway!)

Okay, so I have a confession. I would kill for a cheeseburger. Yes, chocolate is amazing (especially dark chocolate...), but it's cheesey meaty goodness that makes me go insane! There are not enough words to describe just how much I love them. And from almost anywhere-a great, REAL loaded burger is best, of course, but even a fast food burger can make me slightly psycho... and if I'm hungry, more than slightly psycho. My sister goes crazy for bread-not like a loaf of sliced bread, but good restaurant bread. My mom loves those Lindor Truffles. It seems like most people have that one food that they're nuts about-what's yours? But anyway, the reason I'm mentioning it HERE is because there's a giveaway going on over at Horsefeathers, and the prize is this lovely Key Lime Pie pendant from Emariecreations.






When I was checking out her shop, I saw this cute little Miniature Cheeseburger pendant.




Which is the excuse I'm making for this random post. Head on over to Horsefeathers for the details-you only have until midnight Saturday to enter!

*Also, good news at Center Stage, head on over*

I'm sorry I haven't kept you guys posted, but things with my family are just getting so unpredictable... I was planning on telling you a couple weeks ago that I was moving out, because I thought I was, and then that became unclear, so I didn't say anything, and then my doctor thought I had colon cancer, which would throw a monkey wrench in everything because health care is expensive, and then a different plan was made, and then that plan was thrown out the window, and I found out I'm okay and don't have cancer, and then my mom had a late night talk with my dad about everything, which I had asked her not to do for safety reasons, and now EVERYONE in this house is going to go to therapy, including my dad, who has said for years that he's perfect and everyone else needs help, not him. So yeah... my brain is exhausted at the moment... XD lol. I've rewritten a Life is Sweet post a dozen times, because the good and the bad keep changing all together, but I hope to sit down, write it, and post it before somebody drops an emotional bomb sometime in the upcoming week! I obviously haven't been able to keep up with a 'weekly' Music that Moves Me post, and I've decided that making any promise at this point is stupid because I just don't know what I'm going to be doing in the upcoming weeks, but I want you guys to know that you all mean a lot to me and I'll keep posting songs and updates and advertise other people's blogs, which I seem to be doing a lot lately, as often as I can ;). Also, thanks for the comments-they're why I decided to post even though I just don't feel like doing anything right now. I'm glad to be (kinda) back :). Until next time, your remarkably-inconsistent-blogger-who-loves-cheeseburgers-and-is-trying-out-the-whole-optimism-thing,



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(¸.· Elizabeth *´¨)
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Adventures in Therapy + Cookies For You!

(If you've commented on a post, I've responded now, just so you know)

So, first off with this therapy review, let me explain WHY I was going there. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years, and am a miserable old hag ( ;) ), and can't seem to get happy. It comes from my negative living situation… which is kind of hard to explain briefly, but the bottom line is my father has hurt my mother, my siblings, and myself, and is psychologically unstable and emotionally abusive, but my parents are still married and I still live with them out of financial necessity.
I've suffered with guilt because of the sacrifices my mother has made in order to ensure I received a quality high school education and had a roof to live under. I developed self worth issues because I was always trying to earn my father's love, when no matter how hard I worked to be perfect I just couldn't be good enough for him. I have anxiety issues because of my financial situation-despite his substantial income, my father isn't paying for college, or my car insurance, or gas, and my job is minimum wage and hours vary. After this upcoming payment, I'm worried about whether or not I'll be able to cover the next one. I'm a fairly self-aware person, I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and generally what they stem from. I went into that building unsure of what to expect from whoever I was talking to, but knowing there probably wouldn’t be any 'ah-ha!' moments for me.
When I met the woman, who was very kind and I will call Dr. H, she led me to her office, and when she opened the door I was trying really hard not to crack up. There was a COUCH! I mean, yes, it makes perfect sense she would want people to be comfortable, and I should have expected it, but I still wanted to laugh and say 'so that isn't just a stereotype, huh?' :D lol.
We talked for a bit, then we agreed to have momma join me, and together momma and I told her pretty much everything. Explained how my father has always treated me, how he doesn't love his own children and SCREAMS at me like a madman about the stupidest things. About how he ran off my older brother because he felt threatened by him, and how similar my brother and I are. About how he waits on my mother hand and foot, is always bringing her food, and is obsessive over her but treats me with hatred. We talked about the way that I've always demanded perfection from myself academically, because from an early age I knew that it was my only chance for a future. And she kind of suggested that it came from my father's unpredictability-I'm not in control of my home life at all, but I keep tight control of what I can. Which led to the fact that I keep really right control of my emotions, that I don't let myself feel much anymore… and after we had talked for a very long time, and had mentioned how great my brother is, and the fact that he built his house with two extra bedrooms just so that my mother, sister, and I would be able to move in if things got really, really ugly… she strongly recommended that I move in with my brother, because I'm obviously not handling my current situation well. My mom and I have talked about it since then, and I don't think I'm moving out yet… we'll see if we can just hang on till graduation. I also may or may not have gotten a new job at a dentist's office-which would be awesome! I'll be there Monday to get my wisdom teeth out, and hope to talk to our dentist more then (before I'm all loopy, obviously ;) ). Therapy actually went really, really well. Dr. H seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being, and kind of worried, but was really helpful with making thoughts organized for me and my mom. We're in sync now, which is really important with all of the changes coming up. After the fact, I've decided it was a great thing to do, even though I did spend a lot of the time having to relive painful memories :D lol. I'd also like to thank you Laurea, Jinnyd, Lia, and Shaynie for your input on this issue-I appreciate your support more than you can know :). And now, COOKIE TIME!!!! For you, Shaynie:

And for you, Jinnyd (check the link at the bottom for the recipe, if you're not a hazard in the kitchen like me! :D):

And for all of my other wonderful followers, enjoy the classic chocolate chip:

I wrote this post the other day (so I could let it sit overnight, and then I edited out a lot of personal backstory crap that was just plain depressing... LOL, that pun really wasn't intended), and at the moment I'm freakishly HAPPY (which is AWESOME) for a variety of reasons which I'd like to share (including you guys), and I've actually been tagged several times, and I heard an AMAZING song on the radio today that I simply have to post about (not sure yet if I'll let it wait till Wednesday) so I'm going to be posting a bit more than normal over the next few days (even though I really should be on a blogging haitus-WORLD HISTORY FINAL AND TONS OF HOMEWORK!!!! AHHH!). Wow, that was a lot of parentheticals... anyway, you can expect to hear from me again soon! Thanks you guys, for everything ^_^.

Snowman cookie pic from here.
Blondie pic from here.
Chocolate chip cookie pic is NOT mine, but I'm not posting the link to the site because it had a lot of other crap on it that had nothing to do with dessert.

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(¸.· Elizabeth *´¨)
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