Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control...."
As most of you know, my time at home wasn't the easiest or the most pleasant. The end of the summer was fun, but only because I was practically living outside of the house, be it on the road or at the USNWC or at my sister's place. But overall, my depression had me in a tight grasp, and I was struggling with my concerns regarding college as well. I was waiting, just waiting, for my time there to come to an end, and praying with all my might that I could stay strong and not break under the pressure until then. "All I wanna do is trade this life for something new, holding on to what I haven't got." There was a time when I was simply clinging to an idea, the vague and alien idea of freedom, and desperately so. Parts of this song perfectly describe my past, the feelings I had of exhaustion and weakness, that feeling of waiting… and then the wait was over.
"So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again"
and now I fear I'm starting to slip into a whole new world of waiting for the end...
"Sitting in an empty room,
Trying to forget the past,
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so..."
My fear? Losing this. This freedom, this happiness, this whole new world I've been blessed with. My new family, these people I love, this distance from everything I hated back home. I'm on scholarship. And I'm going to fail at least… 2 classes, maybe 3. Which means my GPA is hosed. In addition, in doing so terribly academically, I've risked losing my friends simply by disappointing them all… I fear some of them are growing tired of caring so much when I'm not making much progress fixing things. I'm still trying to figure it out, and I'm battling the pessimistic idea of waiting for the end to this happiness. I fear it isn't meant to last. But I'm determined to MAKE it last. Okay, so I've already ruined this semester. I've partly accepted that. But next semester I'm going to take control, because next semester it really counts. Anyway, I guess overall, I like this song because I most strongly associate it with my past, with waiting for THAT to come to an end, and with that ending and me having the chance to start over here. I could take up that attitude again, but I'm not planning on it--I fear it, but I will not choose it.
The other day at dinner this song played over the radio, and I said "I love this song." My friend Jonathon asked "what does it mean?," and that is what prompted this poorly written post. Just ramblings I guess. But anyway, Jonathon is one of my best friends here, and is new to blogger--if a couple of you could hop on over to Life of a Jonathon and see if you care to follow, I'd appreciate it, and I know he would as well. Love you guys, and talk to you more later,
3 comments:
Most of my left front tire rolled past me on the road while driving my M3 the other night and the spare blew as well so I'm waiting for my new set of tires; that's $430 out of my life savings and I don't even have an income. Other than that, not much is really worth mentioning...we had a couple of days of snow over here already but it was cold so I stayed inside most of the time (milking a cow while it's snowing is not the most enjoyable experience - your fingers tend to freeze), two horses have been added to our list of animals, so we now have a milk cow, a bull calf, a bunch of stupid chickens (I think all chickens are stupid), two pygmy goats, a Golden Retriever we're taking care of for friends, and the aforementioned horses. Oh, a cat we brought with us from NC and some cats that apparently live in our backyard but aren't technically ours. My goal of getting married by 12/12/12 is probably overly optimistic (ridiculously so, perhaps), since I don't even have a part-time job at the moment...
I'd say "feel free to add me", but since I'm not on Facebook that would be rather pointless... :~\
If you ever get an iPhone and the Instagram app, I can introduce you to iPhonography. :) Or if you get a camera and join Flickr, I can give you some photography tips/advice.
Speaking of which, right now you can get a Canon DSLR kit for a good price because of a 15%-off sale on refurbs, and I'm not positive but if you can use the Canon Loyalty (trade-in) Program towards one, it would be even cheaper; if so you could get one for around $300, but I really want a DSLR body that's $680 right now before the trade-in discount (if applicable) so it would be considerably less after it...if I my car was sold right now I'd be tempted to buy it.
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Hope this post didn't totally bore ya! :D. I love my commenters, because I value your opinion and love to hear your thoughts! So, what do you think? :)