Music That Moves Me: Waiting For the End

"Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control...."

As most of you know, my time at home wasn't the easiest or the most pleasant. The end of the summer was fun, but only because I was practically living outside of the house, be it on the road or at the USNWC or at my sister's place. But overall, my depression had me in a tight grasp, and I was struggling with my concerns regarding college as well. I was waiting, just waiting, for my time there to come to an end, and praying with all my might that I could stay strong and not break under the pressure until then. "All I wanna do is trade this life for something new, holding on to what I haven't got." There was a time when I was simply clinging to an idea, the vague and alien idea of freedom, and desperately so. Parts of this song perfectly describe my past, the feelings I had of exhaustion and weakness, that feeling of waiting… and then the wait was over.

"So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again"

and now I fear I'm starting to slip into a whole new world of waiting for the end...

"Sitting in an empty room,
Trying to forget the past,
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so..."

My fear? Losing this. This freedom, this happiness, this whole new world I've been blessed with. My new family, these people I love, this distance from everything I hated back home. I'm on scholarship. And I'm going to fail at least… 2 classes, maybe 3. Which means my GPA is hosed. In addition, in doing so terribly academically, I've risked losing my friends simply by disappointing them all… I fear some of them are growing tired of caring so much when I'm not making much progress fixing things. I'm still trying to figure it out, and I'm battling the pessimistic idea of waiting for the end to this happiness. I fear it isn't meant to last. But I'm determined to MAKE it last. Okay, so I've already ruined this semester. I've partly accepted that. But next semester I'm going to take control, because next semester it really counts. Anyway, I guess overall, I like this song because I most strongly associate it with my past, with waiting for THAT to come to an end, and with that ending and me having the chance to start over here. I could take up that attitude again, but I'm not planning on it--I fear it, but I will not choose it.



The other day at dinner this song played over the radio, and I said "I love this song." My friend Jonathon asked "what does it mean?," and that is what prompted this poorly written post. Just ramblings I guess. But anyway, Jonathon is one of my best friends here, and is new to blogger--if a couple of you could hop on over to Life of a Jonathon and see if you care to follow, I'd appreciate it, and I know he would as well. Love you guys, and talk to you more later,

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

I was recently informed that someone who was once my closest friend no longer wishes to speak with me, for various reasons, and sadly I understand. He's ready to move on, and if that is what is best for him, then that's okay… I made an effort, and I guess that's the best I can do. I still have a handful of happy memories from our time together, even though they are outnumbered. I think that the phrase 'all good things must come to an end' proved true over a long and painful amount of time, and a part of me… a small part, but still a part… is relieved that we're both now free from our strained relationship. Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great, I guess. But I'm not posting to pout, I'm posting just because it is a part of my life I'm letting go, and wanted to share that with you. Now, I'm off to make more happy memories in my new world, my new home, even though I'll never forget the people who helped make me who I am, him included. That's been my mission since I arrived at college, a mission I share with select friends… the phrase 'ah, memories' is in frequent use between one friend and myself :). I've witnessed a spider weaving its web, stood by while a friend swung my purse over his head to mess with bats, sat in a creek for hours talking, watched the sunrise with a friend from the roof, ridden around walmart in a buggy, ridden on bicycle handlebars, went to a Lebanese food festival, went to a haunted house (actually, a haunted FURNACE--more on that later), got primer in my hair that's STILL there, and of course, slept in various places other than my room (including the roof, in a bikini… we're not supposed to go out there, but I needed sun! xD). Haha, I'm an Olympic sleeper and champion memory maker xD. I guess that despite all of my constant stresses about my (to quote a friend of mine) 'metric shit ton' of homework, I really am learning to love life while I'm here. I'm happier than I've ever been, and that's good enough for me :). Talk to y'all later,

My First Vlog--Nov. 4

Hey everyone! I decided to give vlogging a shot--what do you think? I repeat myself some, and was nervous and sleep deprived, so it is kind of lame, but you get the idea xD. Share your opinions--I value them!

Thanks guys, love y'all, ttyl!

So... I Fail

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in forever, I'm just so freakin' stinkin' busy all the time, and my new laptop hates blogger so I have to use a different computer in order to post (which is why you're getting a music post and an update at the same time--they're both been waiting for me to get on another machine). So, general info: I dropped my honors chem class because I couldn't keep up with the homework and was bombing it, and replaced it with an online art history class, which I'm not doing so hot in right now. I'm writing a couple papers a week and am overwhelmed, and am writing this at 4:44 am on Tuesday… and at 9:30am on Tuesday I've got a four page essay due for English I haven't written at all, and at 11:00am on Tuesday I've got a 2 page reaction paper due I haven't even read the material for, and at 11:00pm on Tuesday I've got two biology homework sections due, and at 12:00pm on Wednesday I've got a monstrous research paper/lab write up due that I haven't started, as well as a test on material I haven't studied. Oi. Pray for me, please, those of you who pray… aside from the academic failures I'm succeeding at left and right, life is going okay: two of my friends are now in a relationship with eachother, which makes me happy, because they're both great and they make eachother happy :). I got to help out a friend with his art project, which involved painting giant multi-colored wooden pieces, and I wound up with paint all over me and my hair… and it has yet to wash off xD. I watched the sun rise with said friend, painted a giant banner for my dorm, went to the homecoming football game, and a bunch of other crap, mostly involving eating xD. I'm about to fall asleep, which isn't allowed considering all I have to do, so that sucks. I better stop writing this post and get back to my essay… I miss you a lot, Lauren and Bleah and Steph and Steph and Raisa and Antonia and Shaynie and Lia and Amanda and Max andddddddd well, it is now 6:17 am, I passed out mid sentence… sigh. Anyway, even if you're not named, and you know I love you--just a reminder :). Now back to that essay!

Music that Moves Me: Yesterday

"Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday"

Sigh. I guess the lyrics say enough right now, I don't have much to add. But things will get better. I'm sure of it. I believe in yesterday.