-Went to the doctor with my mom, who was having pain in the back of her head and in her eyes. My first thought was occipital lobe. When she got blood drawn, she suddenly shut down-slumped over some, stared blankly into the distance, was not responsive in any way. Couldn't get any reaction, not a blink or a movement or anything, for a long time. Eventually, she shuddered back to life, and tears were pouring down her face, but she still couldn't talk. After a very long while, and being given soda and crackers, she was back to normal, but that was pretty much the most afraid I've ever been. I thought she was dying right in front of me. Still don't know what was wrong. Trying to remain calm.
-Survived the December 1st application deadline, but not as successfully as I wanted. I got some in, but not others, and I haven't been that proud of any of my essays, so I'm not optimistic about the college hunting process right now.
-Last Wednesday, felt like a piece of crap, and didn't go to school. Head, stomach, everything was hurting. Felt better that evening, and bad again the next morning. Just messed up right now.
-Got written up at work. For the second time. I didn't post about the first time, because I got over it pretty quick and didn't dwell, but the second time followed the first far too quickly, and my hours are pretty minimal right now, and the 'problem' I have is 'being too slow'. If you aren't ever working, it is really hard to get practice and get faster, and I've had this job for a year and have NEVER been told I'm too slow until just recently, which ticks me off because if there was a problem before nobody bothered to tell me. The first time I was written up, I was also written up for questioning authority (which caught me off guard, because while that is my nature, I didn't realize I had done any such thing at work, at least, not unless it was warranted). The second time, I listened to a supervisor who told me not to do certain things which needed doing one night I worked, so I got written up for not doing my job(and so did the supervisor, for not doing her job, but SERIOUSLY?). I'm losing either way. If I get written up one more time, I'm fired. So… I need to figure out how to win. Really stinking badly.
-Went to my town's parade, for the first time-and was IN it-on the day of the first snow of the season for me :). The snow literally started falling as I pulled into the parking lot, and then came down really hard while we (it was a work thing, so 'we' means my bosses, coworkers, and I) decorated the float. Absolutely froze to death, got soaked, wasn't allowed to wear a coat, and still managed to enjoy myself ^_^. I mostly loved seeing customers from work and other people lining the streets, smiling, and little kids yelling 'SUBWAY ROCKS!' and getting to shout 'YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!' right back at them, while clumsily pelting them with candy because I couldn't feel my hands. First time driving in snow too, actually, which wasn't a big enough deal for me to realize until just this second. Lol :).
-Worked this past weekend, got upset with myself for not remembering a certain discount related rule. Just frustrated, because I feel that none of my coworkers like me, and I haven't done anything horribly offensive, and they're all complaining about me behind my back, but no one has the guts to be honest with ME. I'd rather be told straight up 'I don't like the way you do this and that' than get blindsided. Seriously, work is starting to feel like Survivor, and I'm not in any alliances, so... not sure how long I'll last at this point.
Yesterday and today, I worked on catching up with blogs and commenting. I've gotten the 78 unread/starred items in reader reduced to 25 :). I hate it when I read an awesome post, and want to comment, but I can't at the moment, so I mark it unread and/or star it, then I don't get around to it for several days :-P. I ALSO tried to catch up with my homework, which I am behind on. And so here is my homework To Do List:
- Finish Module Notes
- Finish Physics Test
- Finish Lab 7.1
- Prep Labs 8.1 and 8.2, including data tables
- Read two World History chapters
- Study World History
I need to have that all done by 7:45am Wednesday. THEN, after class, I get to go to therapy-for the first time. As a few of you may know, I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years, and while the concept of spilling my life's story to a complete stranger, who really can't do anything about my living situation, sounds pointless to me… talking it out is supposed to help. My mom scheduled it, and she went last week, and it helped her focus a bit, so we'll see how it goes. I'm… wary, and very… hesitant? about it. Definitely not excited. Kind of worried I'll either A) Sit there glaring at the woman, or B) Bawl and bawl and have to be dragged out by security. Have any of you battled depression and gone to therapy? Any advice?
On December 13th, I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out. I'm not worried about the procedure, just concerned that I'll still be slightly loopy when....(see next point)
On December 15th, I'm taking an in-class World History final, which I am truly concerned I will fail. I'm not saying that because I'm paranoid or so I can blow your minds with an 'unexpected' A; I know what I do and do not know, and all those names and dates go in one ear and out the other. I haven't failed a single class in highschool, my academic record is flawless, and this is the one class I NEED to pass in order to graduate. It is also the class that I have disliked the most, and retained the least information from. I aced Chemistry easy-but World History is killing me, largely because there haven't been any tests or major assignments beyond reading, so I don't know what I NEED to know and feel like I don't know anything, because there was so much information we read and I retained so little of it. So… wish me luck on that! :-P lol.
On December 18th, I am officially 18 years old! Officially an old fart, according to my friend. But he's already an old fart, so I think he's just trying to feel better about himself ;).
So anyway, things have been and will continue to be kind of crazy around my house. I'm stressed about a lot of different things, and am really worried about my mother's health. That incident at the doctor's office was so scary… anyway, if you could pray for her health, I'd appreciate it. And WOW, even just doing a point-by-point list of what is going on I wound up blabbing, and I left out TONS of information! Oh well, any of you who actually read this entire post-you get an imaginary cookie. Comment and tell me what kind of cookie you want, okay? I'll give it to you in the next post! :D Until next time, my wonderful readers (and I really am grateful for each of you :),
--
"But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.
In your head, in your head they are fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are crying..."
´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨)*´¨)
(¸.·´¸.·*´¨) *
(¸.· Elizabeth *´¨)
¸.·´ ¸.·*´¨) *
(¸.·´*
9 comments:
Peace,
[Laurea]
I struggled with really bad depression in 2008 and 2009. It got so bad all I wanted to do was cry and stay in bed and I couldn't eat. I worried about everything (especially dying) and just felt totally wrong. I never got professional help, but I researched natural ways to beat depression, and started taking fish oil (omega fatty acids or something) and drastically cutting back on my sugar intake (including white flour and processed carbs and stuff). Along with daily exercise, I rarely struggle with depression anymore. And even when I do, it it certainly not as bad as it used to be.
Wow, that was a long comment! Sorry. I hope things calm down for you soon! And you feel better. Being depressed stinks.
What is working at Subway like? I've seen some people work during the "rush hour", and it seems like their hands are flying! It's amazing how they get in all of those orders, and in the right combination too.
I've never been specifically diagnosed with depresssion before, but about a month ago, I had this day when I just couldn't get happy! Not even funny things would get me to really feel excited or like smiling. It was the scariest thing ever--it really felt like a cloud was pressing down over me, and not letting me come up for air (i.e., happiness). Would writing things out (like this blog post, but maybe in a more personal journal?) help? Or drawing things--I know this will sound cliche, but perhaps getting your feelings out to yourself will ease you into talking about it with a total stranger. Good luck!
Happy pre-birthday! Your golden birthday, too! :-D and any cookie is fine. Although I have been wanting to try a blondie ever since I saw one in the Nancy Drew movie. Have you ever had one?
There, my rather ego-centric speech is finished.
Second, what happened to your mom would have made me go insane. Like, mental hospital insane. I'll be praying!
I've never been to therapy but it sounds hard but from what I understand it's actually very, very, helpful. I mean, I have had sessions with a family friend who's been training but not real thearpy. Hope all went well!
-LIA-
@Shaynie-Me too! Her head hasn't bothered her for days now, but I'm still watching her like a hawk for any strange symptoms.
Thanks for that information… we have fish oils in the house but I rarely take them. I didn't realize that they could help, so I'll definitely start taking them now! And I'm looking into SERIOUSLY exercising in the upcoming months (either with Zumba or P90X or both, since we now own both). I didn't realize what a dramatic effect diet and exercise could have on depression… that is awesome that it has helped so much! Thanks for the info :D. And no need to be sorry, I like long comments! And heck yeah, it stinks.
Subway actually rocks! I wanted to work there for the reasons I still love it-it is very clean, and the food is fresh, and it is just a high quality place. The back room, at least where I work, is just as clean as up front, because keeping everything healthy is a Subway standard. I admire the company and love the job, truly, it is just a personality/coworker kind of issue that is making work stink right now.
Artistic expression helps tons! I actually write songs and poetry, and talking it out with one of my friends helps so much too :D. Great thought, and I actually need to start writing again (it has been a while since I seriously sat down and wrote it out).
I've had blondies before, but it has been such a long time I can't tell you much about how they taste… I liked them though, I do believe :).
@Maximillian-I spent an hour last night trying to figure out the answer to your question from start to finish, but all I managed was to trace finding your blog from a comment on nzkiwigirl's blog, which I had stumbled upon from her comment on another blog which I still haven't figured out, even though I went to every blog I follow trying to find it again. And no problem about following-your photos are beautiful, and your blog is interesting. I'm interested in photography and have been wanting to buy a DSLR for a while (I don't even count as an amateur, since I've just got a digital camera that's malfunctioning since punch got spilled on it at prom :-P), so your information on the subject drew me in. And haha, that was NOT an egocentric speech, so no worries :)
@Lia-Not sure if I'd be amazing, or just way too in control of my emotions (we talked about that in therapy! Yay! Lol, I tend to keep myself flat-line a lot of times, so I don't feel as much in general and avoid feeling pain-one of my 'coping skills'). And I'm sure that you wouldn't go officially loopy, just a little unofficially loopy for a little while, which is actually normal for such a situation ;). It did help some, actually, and thanks so much!
@Shaynieagain-Thanks! I can't wait, hoping to go see a movie! We do on my birthday every year, because I always ask because we never get to go during the rest of the year… lol, but THIS year I'm hoping to go watch a movie with someone who isn't family :-D.
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